“If you’re not trying to make something better
Then as far as I can tell
You are just in the way” – Ani Difranco
‘All cowardice comes from not truly loving, or at least, not loving well.’ – Ernest Hemingway
Any time you beg another man to set you free, you will never be free. Freedom is something that you have to do for yourself.
– Malcolm X
Transgenderism is often discussed in terms of personal identity — a person expressing themselves, becoming their true self, connecting their outer persona to an internal feeling, etc. — but what about those around them? What happens when a woman’s partner decides he is, in fact, a woman? How does this impact the relationship?
In this episode, I speak with a woman who saw and experienced this firsthand. In a relationship with her husband for 14 years, Shannon Thrace’s life went into turmoil when her husband decided he was, in fact, a transwoman. She describes the extreme changes to his personality as well as the painful impacts on their relationship and on her life.
“I don’t care if they eat me alive.
I’ve got better things to do than survive.” – Ani Difranco
“Language is power, and when we find the right way to frame our experience, we’re not being crushed by it.” – Tegan Bennett Daylight
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” – Anne Lamott
Those of you who know me well know I was, at one point, nervous about the events of the past few days.
I was nervous about preparing a speech in the short time I had available after I was asked to give a TEDx talk. I was nervous about my first visit to Europe. I was nervous about being on a plane for eight hours at a time.
I was nervous about revealing my memoir a bit earlier than planned. I was nervous about how my message would be recieved.
But I consciously decided, a few weeks before the event, to let the universe “have its way with me.” These were the words that came into my mind. In the lingo of a Wiccan group that has unexpectedly become close to my heart, I made this my intention.
And I’m glad I did that, because the universe was incredibly kind to me.
I’d like to thank everyone who came up to me after my talk and expressed your appreciation of what I had to say. I’d like to thank the amazing people of the Netherlands, who showed me again and again their empathy, their intelligence, their tolerance, their insight, their incredible laid-back attitude, their grace.
I’d like to thank the TEDx organizers who wined and dined me and made me feel like a rock star. And the fellow speakers, all incredible people with much to offer the world, who nonetheless took the time to listen to and support one another. I can’t wait to watch their talks again, having seen most of them from backstage.
I’d like to thank the lovely lesbian couple who owned the beautiful airbnb where I stayed, advised me on how to enjoy Amsterdam, and kept me up late, plying me with Jameson and engaging me in philosophical discussions long into the pleasantly temperate night.
To be quite frank, things would have gone very differently if I’d given this talk in the US.
I’ve been tempted to go expat for some time now, and this experience only strengthened that desire. Not a fan of number 45. Not a fan of America’s aggression, its single-mindedness, its affinity for shoving people into tiny boxes, especially after seeing what it looks like from the well-adjusted other side.
And damn I had a fantastic time.